On 6th March 2020 I reached the top of the ladder...only to find it was leaning up against the wrong wall!
Having co-founded Focus Group in 2003, it was in 2020 that I was expecting to finally realise my efforts, the risks I'd taken and the sacrifices I'd made. It would mean success and financial freedom.
Just a few years earlier, in 2017, we'd decided to work towards selling a minority share of the business to a private equity investor. A great deal of work went into getting the business into shape and ready for investment, but in the last 6 months the pressure was intense! Months of preparation - commercial, legal and financial due diligence, data cubes, financial modelling, fireside meetings and numerous presentations to prospective investors and lenders. Lots of very late nights and copious amounts of whisky!...all this against a backdrop of uncertainty around the Brexit withdrawal agreement, a general election that might have seen Corbyn deliver free broadband to all, a Spring budget looming with the prospect of an end to entrepreneur's relief and the small matter of a strange virus emanating from China called COVID-19.
Palma Non Sine Pulvere
(No Reward Without Effort)
Despite all the challenges, we successfully completed the deal, surpassing our valuation expectations and achieving one of the highest valuation multiples in our sector.
I had built a multi-million pound, award winning business, successfully sold 25% of it in a hugely competitive process and achieved financial freedom. So why did I have this gnawing sense of unease?
The Goodman family has a history of commercial success, particularly during the 19th and early to mid 20th century. George Goodman Ltd was founded in 1810. As manufacturers of safety-pins, they patented improvements in the mid-1950s and by then had established notable wealth and status...
...However, circumstances conspired such that my upbringing was humble at best, the only child of divorced teachers - we lived in simple accommodation, staycationed, and watched every penny.
I was fortunate enough to be schooled privately due to bursaries and scholarships, and this saw me come into contact with children and families from backgrounds that rather contrasted my own. I grew up to believe that success and perceived happiness were directly connected to money…how much you earn, the car you drive, and the house you live in - and as a teacher’s son, that academia was critical in the path to all those things.
As I grew up I set myself goals every year. They centred around career, business assets, earnings, net worth, property, holiday destinations…and bottom of the list, almost in cursory fashion would be a few lines about health, weight and perhaps an intention to play more golf. I had inadvertently set in motion a mindset that meant I was always chasing a destination, a horizon that I kept moving further and further away, yet was never present enough to enjoy either the sunrise or sunset of each achievement along the journey.
I was often asked...'What is your exit strategy?'. Truth is, I didn't have one and herein lay the problem. As John Taylor Gatto said, "You either learn your way towards writing your own script in life, or you unwittingly become an actor in someone else's script.". I had done the latter and the author of mine had become the business.
Only in 2017 did I begin to write my own script, not realising that in fact I was merely writing a chapter, and needed to dedicate time and energy to the rest of the book!
Distracted by the outbreak of COVID-19, the first few months after our private equity transaction were filled with crisis management, employee welfare and adjusting to physical and mental challenges of lockdown #1. However once the dust settled, the torment began. Initially I felt lost, devoid of routine, motivation or a sense of purpose. This slowly grew into my old enemy, anxiety, and by the autumn of 2020 I was really struggling to function due to the state of my mental health.
It's not uncommon for people to struggle with mental health issues after achieving major life goals. Ben Fogle struggled with a 'dark cloud' hanging over his head after he successfully summitted Everest. Chris Mears won Olympic gold in Rio 2016, and said, "It just came crashing down. No-one teaches you how to process becoming an Olympic Champion."
He explained: "For years I told myself that I'd be happy when I get this, and when I get to this position I'll be happy - and then I got it and I wasn't." This sounded very familiar!
I also had a case of imposter syndrome - defined as 'the persistent inability to believe that one's success is deserved or has been legitimately achieved as a result of one's own efforts or skills.' I have since found out that it's more common than you'd think. Tom Hanks, Natalie Portman, Lady Gaga, Serena Williams, Starbucks CEO Howard Shultz, just a few that have openly talked about it. Arianna Huffington noted, “The greatest obstacle for me has been the voice in my head...”. The neuro-science behind self-talk shows that the brain is like Velcro for negative experiences, but Teflon for positive ones.
Know your why!
Why didn't I feel fulfilled? Why did I feel lost and without purpose?
I'd followed the script...excelled academically, worked hard to elevate myself, started my own business, sacrificed everything...I'd invested the blood, the sweat and the tears!...but I'd failed to invest in my most precious commodity...Me! Without realising it, I was living someone else's life...very successfully, but not one that would create fulfilment in me.
Since last October I've been on a journey of self-discovery...and as yet I have only scratched the surface. I've completed both an 8 and 12 week mindfulness course, made regular visits to a counselling psychologist, read a variety of self-help books, signed up to podcasts, practiced meditation and breathing techniques, stopped drinking and kept a daily journal...
I have come to realise that one of the greatest gifts any one of us has to offer is truth. I am human and gloriously imperfect...I have documented my mental health challenges previously and received a great number of positive comments for my bravery in speaking so openly about the subject. 2020 was just another chapter in my wonderous journey that is life.
So what advice do I offer? Make a commitment to get to know 'you'. Devote time to yourself. Be still. Breathe. Listen. To your Heart. Follow it. Don't waste your life on fruitless pursuits. Don't meet your maker with the most common regret...'I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.'
and lastly - practice gratitude.
“Gratitude turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity...it makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates a vision for tomorrow.” Melody Beattie
Since 6th March 2020, Focus Group has acquired 8 more businesses, has seen annual turnover grow to over £125m, now employs over 600 staff...and has a new CEO! Barney Taylor joined on the 5th October 2021. I remain Co-Founder & Director of Focus Group, but look forward to forging my own path in the years to come.